one worm dissection and a husband later...

So, we're on our way to the Bodies exhibit in Atlanta... I have accepted the fact that after today my perception of the body will never be the same. I should preface by saying, that when it comes to science and biology, my knowledge is the equivalent of a 5 year old. Everything I know regarding the subject, I learned from Charlie Brown's Super Book of Questions and Answers. I blame this ignorance on my college preparatory catholic high school, that only required 2 years of rudimentary science courses but 4 years of religion, one semester of which was spent taking a marriage class. So basically, one worm dissection and husband later they managed to create one confused lesbian who doesn't know shit about boys or science.

hot dogs, birthday cake and an ugly awning

Hot dogs, birthday cake and an ugly awning: This is what I remember about the weekend:

The hot dog part of my night started when we went to a house warming party being thrown by our neighbor across the street. The party started early around 6 which is early for a party, but understandably so, due to the diversity of our neighbors, which were the primary people invited to this party. A melting pot, it was. 8 months to 70 year olds and everything in between. The gays were well represented despite the undoubtedly lesbian neighbor who showed up with her husband.? Also well represented were the young, hip and fashionable -and thanks to those who fell into this category for balancing out the crowd to keep it from feeling like awkward family reunion. I had some margaritas and a hot dog - everything else was unrecognizable or had onions. We might have stayed longer if it hadn't been for party #2 and married lesbian who really wanted me to sit down next to her and kept making weird eye contact with me.?

Party #2: Enter birthday cake... Oh no, not just birthday cake, but also a big bowl of m&m's, not 1 but 2 trays of cookies, chex mix, the obligatory bowl of nuts and a tray of doughnuts, yes doughnuts. So, here I am 30 years old and unsure of how to act, standing before a buffet of junk food. Is it kosher to mix peanut butter cookies with red wine? Do m&m's and shots of tequila really go together? After enough time and drinks had passed I didn't care anymore, and yes I even ate a half of a doughnut. If it had not been for the video slideshow from last year's party (which we also attended) mixed in with the occasional pictures of naked men, I might not have realized I was not at a child's birthday party, but rather a party for a forty something year old gay pilot.

The Ugly Awning: I spent the next day recovering from all the alcohol and junk food I had consumed. It was a good thing the cops showed up when they did or I might have been in worse shape. And, thank god for that hot dog, the only "real" food I got to eat all day. As I was lying on the couch watching a movie (o.k. sleeping) I remembered that it was Ugly Awning day. My ambitious partner had intended on removing the last bit of granny from our house, the ugly awning. With a little help from some friends we had the grannny gone in no time.

not very fisher price

So here I am, contemplating the fact, that for the first time ever, I feel as though we’ve mastered the art of gift giving... just in time for Buddah’s first birthday. For a gift to be considered “perfect”, I must spend the proper amount of time obsessing over it, which I do well. It is during this process that I loose all sense of time, which then sends me into a state of denial that my gift will not arrive in time for the special occasion. So I then remind myself that it’s the thought that counts, right? Wrong... let’s just say some of you have had to wait close to a year before receiving that “perfect” gift.

The pressure of picking out the first birthday present was intense but we survived and are pleased with our final decision. Being that it was often the topic of conversation, we had lots of people suggesting great gift ideas, most of which were not so great. The popper was the most heavily suggested. Don't worry, I have relinquished any feelings of obligation to give Buddah a popper, or the likes of such. I feel, any gift capable of making that much noise is gift to be given only by the parents. Our gift we have chosen does nothing! It doesn't light up, make noises or spin around. It's not very fisher price. When people see it they will say, “I bet I know who gave him that!” and we are ok with that. We welcome the role of the unusual gift-giving aunts. You can assume that since it’s from us, it will be "modern". In other words, Buddah’s daddy will probably appreciate it more after he's had a couple of drinks.

3 cops, 3 security guards, an oncologist and an inventory: part 2

The Cops and Security Guards:

It was a scene straight out of Cagney and Lacey except for better clothes and hair. It was an investigation of grand proportions. The case: embezzlement and fraud. Was this person going to break down and confess? Would he flee? Were we going to have to bring out the torture devices? Before I knew it, I was face to face with the suspect. He did not flee. I asked him to come with me. Upon entering the room, I handed him over to the "Sarg". By the end we had what we wanted, a written statement admitting to the charges of embezzlement and fraud.

While it wasn’t a happy ending for all parties involved, I was ecstatic. The whole event ended up being a little melodramatic for me. I didn't witness any form of hysterics just an occasional nervous cough. There were, of course, 3 cops, 3 security guards and an inventory crew of 15. Dramatic: not so much Crazy: yes

My story does not end with me saying, "Book 'Em”, that's not my style.

A little insight: To know me is to know that I use silence as a weapon and that I do not trust anyone. There are a few of you I trust (you know who you are). Otherwise, let's face it, when you're around me, you're under a microscope. Advice for those of you who just met me... "Don't worry" (you'll get use to it)

Achtung: not for the sexually repressed

Nastier than ever... Another hardcore album from

PEACHES

3 cops, 3 security guards, an oncologist and an inventory: part 1

3 Cops, 3 security guards, an oncologist and an inventory... Though not in that exact order sums up the wonderful day I had yesterday!

The Oncologist:

I had an appointment with my oncologist yesterday. These visits are never any fun - I HATE the waiting room experience! It is so depressing and morbid...I am always like a third of the age of everyone in there and this time my appointment was after lunch, so the waiting room smelled like vomit, which is the smell I associate with any mystery microwaved food. I drive a far ways out just to see this particular Oncologist because "She Has Horses". In case you don't know, that's code for "She's a Lesbian". This is how my other doctor, who is also a lesbian, referred her to me... "I think you'll like her, she has horses" I believe these were her exact words. Anyway, I'm am still doing fine and was informed that my lonely kidney is functioning as good as if I had 2- based on enzymes or something like that. I have a cat scan (which I also hate) scheduled for next week. I will have these twice a year for preventitive measures. So to recap, I like having doctor's with horses, I hate smells that come from foreign microwaves and life is good.